Thrifty Tip #1: Pimp My Résumé

Hello Microsoft Office!

I don’t have much luck with technology.
My IPL are notorious.
My IBD are more frequent still.
My computers are always slightly wonky…
Higgledy piggledy handmedowns.
I don’t treat them well,
I don’t defragment their disk drives,
I pick them up by their screens.

They don’t like me either.
They die at the most innapropriate times.
If I look at their screens for too long, I get angry red dots.
Close up: clusters of red snakes coiled around my eyeballs,
Scratchy, not smooth.
But from a distance…
Two perfect, little, crismson, blossoming, fuming dots.

My problems with technology
Have hampered my search for employment
Over the barren weeks since Savant.
First, I was phoneless… endlessly, helplessly phoneless.

Then fax machines decided to hate me
When I tried to nail down my insurance issues.

Then the internet, which I reserve a special hatred for,
(it rarely works well at my abode)
Turned on me,
Cruelly denying my request to transfer money
From my Britself to my Yankself.

Finally, my computer, inhereted from Wab,
Gave me the finger
By telling me Microsoft Word did not work…
And thus hindered the evolution of my CV.

Enough was enough.
I took matters into my own hands.
I fnally got a window of time
(and good internet signal)
And leapt through it,
Downloading a trial version of the new Microsoft Office, and well…

What a delight!
I don’t know much about software,
But what a joy…
Either I am suddenly a computer whizz (doubtful)
Or it was INSANELY EASY to use.

Maybe I was dizzy from the small hiss of  released pressure,
Tiny, hard to see through the red dots,
Hard to hear over the sirens and the washing machine,
Hard to feel through the muggy, humid, rancid air at 777,
But undeniably there…

The relief of.
Just one less thing.
On a mountain of things.
To worry about.

Is this what being a grown-up is like?
‘Cause it’s fucking ‘orrible!

My vocation vacation continues….


Ridiculous woman using a mobile phone by a beautiful old telephone box. (Which, by the way, they have now replaced with ugly gross modern telephone boxes.)

If you… would like to download the Microsoft Office trial version, Click Here.

If you… would like to see the résumés (yes… there’s two!) that I created, Click Here.

If you… wanna pimp your own résumé, you are welcome to use mine as a template, but please do not plagiarise any of the text or images… Click Here for an easy-to-modify TEMPLATE.

Do you have a crazy-awesome résumé? I’d love to see it.  Send it to !



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